Funny Quotes About Life

Funny quotes about life to feed your funnybone and find your funny zone. Free clean jokes to lighten your load, hit the high road, and keep you mellowed. Onward, Pilgrim!

Links to more “Life” one-liners at bottom of page.
Share your own jokes or feedback in the Comment box.

Free Clean Jokes:
Life, Group 1

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- Steven Wright

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Life is God's joke on us. It's our mission to figure out the punchline.
- John Guarrine

My whole life is waiting for the questions to which I have prepared answers.
- Tom Stoppard

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry

In the Book of Life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
- Robert Orben

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

Funny Quotes About Life
Group 2

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
- Guy Bellamy

Life is a near-death experience.
- George Carlin

Life is a zoo in a jungle.
- Peter De Vries

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
- Douglas Adams

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

Life is what happens when you’re not watching television.
- Jason Love

If you want my final opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell. The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked inside the safe.
- Peter De Vries

I believe in living every day like it’s your last day. Which is why I never have any clean clothes. Who wants to do laundry on the last day?
- Anonymous

Free Clean Jokes:
"Life"Group 3

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
- Helen Hayes

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyone's expectations.
- Bill Watterson

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
- Ernestine Ulme

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
- Bill Watterson

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

My life seems like one long obstacle course with me as the chief obstacle.
- Jack Parr

Remember, no matter how hard your life is right now, it would be worse if a song by Chicago was playing.
- Andy Borowitz

This Might Just Save Your Party...

Funny Quotes About Life
Group 4

There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
- Hugh Leonard

My goal in life is to have a mind as smart as my mouth.
- Melanie White

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
- Fred Allen

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
- Anonymous

If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it'll be 90% me looking for something to wipe my hands on.
- Mike Vanatta

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

If life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car. And objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are.
- Jim Steinman

Funny Quotes About Life
Group 5: Tweets

My life coach told me to throw a Hail Mary.
- Ashley ‏@ashleycrem

You think your life is tough? Think about those teens who have to do their own laundry.
- danny ‏@Mardigroan

Remember, no matter how hard life gets, it's no where near as hard as infomercials make it look to perform a task the old traditional way.
- TravisErwin ‏@TravisErwin

Life is a carnival and I've got motion sickness.
- Sad meteorologist ‏@SadMeterologist

When life gives you lemons, put all your eggs in one basket so everyone knows you suck at metaphors.
- Grover ‏@XGroverX

Every day is a gift. Make sure you keep the receipt.
- Glass Half Empty ‏@GlassHalfEmpty_

Netflix Recommendations are my life coach.
- Nathan ‏@stockejock

Lif is too short.
- Glass Half Empty ‏@GreySkyThinking

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Living it up yet? More like this at these links:

Cute Life Quotes

Funny Life Quotes

Funny Quotes On Life

Funny Inspirational Quotes About Life

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