Humorous Quotes: Doctors, Food,
Beauty, Exercise, and more

Highly humorous quotes to hit the happy note on your health-o-meter. Funny stuff about popular personal culture: Health, Clothes, Exercise, Doctors, Beauty, Food, and Dancing. Get fit and get funny!

* Links below to lots more quotes about all these.

Very Funny Jokes: "Doctors"

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck

I have too many other afflictions to worry about hypochondria.
- Greg Tamblyn

I called my gastroenterologist to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
- Dave Barry

Doctors should be required to have the logos of their drug companies pasted all over their lab coats, just like NASCAR drivers.
- (from a cartoon by Dan Wasserman)

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
- Little Greenis ‏@DurtMcHurtt

Pharmacies would be a lot more fun if they did what grocery stores do: free samples.
- Unknown Author

More Hilarious Short Quotes About DOCTORS and MEDICINE

Humorous Quotes: "Health"

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
-Steven Wright

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
- Doug Larson

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
- Phil Proctor

I’m 54 and otherwise blessed with fine health, but I have the right knee of a 77-year-old woman. And whoever she is I wish she had taken better care of herself.
- Colin McEnroe

If you can't afford health insurance, just do what I do: rely on the placebo effect.
- Greg Tamblyn

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.
- Robert Orben

Humorous Quotes: "Beauty"

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
- Phyllis Diller

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld

When people invite me to a party and ask me to bring a dish, I tell them “I am the dish.”
- Ruth Forman

Plastic surgeon to patient: “Our deluxe package includes a face lift, tummy tuck, nose job, breast implants, and 18 months of psychotherapy for your children, who will no longer recognize you.”
- from a cartoon by Dan Piraro

Why does Miss Universe always come from Earth? It’s like the rest of the planets aren’t even trying.
- Jason Love

Hair is the first thing. And teeth the second. Hair and teeth. A man got those two things he's got it all.
- James Brown

Humorous Quotes: "Clothes"

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
- Mae West

What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.
- Angela LaGreca

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Lady Gaga donated her old clothes to the homeless. The homeless wouldn’t take them.
- Anonymous

God created autumn because He was tired of hearing Eve complain about having to wear the same old fig leaf.
- Melanie White

Humorous Quotes: "Food"

A new study shows that you can drastically reduce your cholesterol by eating somewhere other than America.
- Andy Borowitz

I don't have any beef with vegetarians.
- Prontopup @prontopup

Only a rank degenerate would drive 1,500 miles across Texas without eating a chicken fried steak.
- Larry McMurtry

Mangoes: brought to you by the makers of dental floss.
- Greg Tamblyn

You have to read food labels very carefully. Sometimes “salt-free” means they’re not charging you any extra for all the salt that’s in it.
- Melanie White

When I buy cookies I eat just four and then throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won’t dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn’t taste that bad.
- Janette Barber

More Funny Food Quotes

Humor Quotes: "Exercise"

I want a gym where they let you push big appliances off a cliff.
- Sam Ashton Moon

I like to hang out in the steam room with large, furry creatures who grunt but don’t say much. It’s like Gorillas In The Mist in there.
- Jason Love

Exercise? No way. I got a hernia just trying to hold in my stomach.
- Greg Tamblyn

Husband to wife: “My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove by a store that sells sweat pants.”
- from a cartoon by Randy Glasbergen

Do you know why weightlifters do such a small number of reps? That’s usually only as high as they can count.
- Melanie White

I'd be more of a fan of exercising if calories screamed when you burned them.
Jehmeh ‏@Bearslietoo

More Funny Sayings About EXERCISE

Humorous Quotes: Dancing

I avoid any relationship that has a risk of dancing.
- Dilbert (Scott Adams)

If I'm about to sneeze, I like to stand up and make it the first part of an interpretive dance.
- David Acer ‏@David_Acer

If you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it.
- Carolyn MacKenzie

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.
- John Milton

I've always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.
- Conan O’Brien

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman

More Funny Dance Quotes

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