Top 40 New Year Jokes

New Year jokes and funny quotes - drop the ball and raise a toast! Make it a comical celebration. Get high on jokes and you won’t get a hangover.

Leave your own New Year's humor or feedback in the Comments box.

Cartoon by Bob Kroeker, Froggy Bottom Productions, Kansas City

Funny New Year Quotes
Group 1

How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
- Joseph Connolly

Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
- Melanie White

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
- Bill Vaughan

On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit.
- Melanie White

Hoping this will be the year they drop Ryan Seacrest from that building in Times Square.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

New Year Jokes:
Group 2

Heartwarming Miami tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year's Eve.
- Dave Barry

Wait a second, there's ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
- Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.
- Bridger Winegar @bridger_w

I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff.
- Melanie White

Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
- Melanie White

New Year Jokes:
Group 3

I think it’s great to make your first date a New Year’s party. That way, you’re at least sure you’ll get to first base.
- Melanie White

My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time & money to charities. I've decided to make my own coffee once a week.
- Erica ‏@SCbchbum

Every New Years I celebrate making it through another holiday season without killing my relatives.
- Melanie White

My new year’s resolution is to get better at pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne.
- waitwait ‏@waitwait

New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
- Jay Leno

This Might Just Save Your Party...

New Year Jokes:
Group 4

A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- Anonymous

This New Years I’m going to make a resolution I can keep: no dieting all year long.
- Melanie White

Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date.
- Jay Leno

My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds.
- Melanie White

If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet, and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but it will seem longer.
- Greg Tamblyn

New Year Jokes:
Group 5

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
- Bill Vaughan

This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me.
- Melanie White

May you find the strength to write, "Who is this?" to all the strange numbers that text you "Happy New Year!" tonight.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

Who has time to party on New Year's Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Miami asks residents not to celebrate New Year by shooting into the air, because the bullets will come back down.
- Dave Barry ‏@rayadverb

New Years parades have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them.
- Melanie White

New Year Jokes:
Group 6

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?
- Ogden Nash

This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd.
- Melanie White

"Out with the old, in with the new" is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting.
- Andy Borowitz

Usually my main goal at a New Year’s party is to remember who I came with.
- Melanie White

Deer readers, my gnu years resolution is to tell you a gazelleon times how much I caribou you! Sorry. Bad puns. Alpaca bag and leave.
- Greg Tamblyn

My New Years resolution is to try to remember why I've walked into a room.
- Rodney Lacroix ‏@moooooog35

I see no need to make more New Year's resolutions when the ones already on the books aren't being enforced.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Group 7

My New Year’s resolution is to take all the Christmas lights down by Easter.
- Melanie White

My brother's New Year's resolution is to move out of my parents house. You'd think after 49 years he'd try another one.
- Wickedwordslinger ‏@StephenBCramer

10...9...8...7...6...I think we should see other people...5...4...3...2...1...
Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

Help yourself. I've got a whole drawerful of resolutions I'm not using.
- Annie Hatfield @HatfieldAnne

A New Year’s resolution is a promise to stop doing everything you enjoy most.
- Unknown Author

As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
- Dave Barry

I guess the Mayans are wondering what all the excitement is about.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
- Joey Adams

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