ADVISORY:
The Funny Jokes, Quotes, And Sayings On This Website Contain Anti-Depressive Material

Funny Jokes Of The Day, #1

Directions and Philosophy in an Irish pub

Funny Jokes Of The Day, #2

Audience Feedback

A soprano with the Metropolitan Opera is invited to sing at St. Patricks in New York City.

Afterward during the question and answer period, someone asks her how she takes care of her voice.

She replies that ten years ago she had her voice insured for one million dollars.

The audience is impressed, and silent for a moment while they take that in.

Then from the back of the room an old man’s voice is heard asking, “So what did you do with the money?”

Funny Saying Of The Day

Jokes Of The Day, #3

Traffic Stop - Helpful Wife

A cop stops a car going way too fast. He comes to the window and sees a man and woman in the front seat. He tells the man, “You were doing 75 in a 55 mph zone. That’s why I stopped you.”
The man says, “That can’t be, officer. I had my cruise control set on 56. Could your radar be defective?”
The woman is reading a magazine. She looks up and says, “Oh honey, did you forget? This car doesn’t even have cruise control.”
The cop starts writing the guy up. The guy turns to the woman and says, “Could you just be quiet for once?”
She replies, “Well honey, thank God your radar detector is working or you would have been going even faster.”
Now the cop starts writing another ticket for an illegal radar detector.
The guy is furious. He glares at his wife and says, “Just shut up. I mean it!”
The cop says, “I see you’re not wearing your seatbelt. I’m gonna have to write you up for that, too.”
The man says, “Of course I was wearing it. I unbuckled it to give you my wallet.”
The wife pipes up, “Oh honey, don’t be silly. You know you never wear your seatbelt in the car. You’ve told me that a hundred times.”
The guy is boiling over now. He turns to her and says, “Mabel, I’m telling you, just shut up!”
The cop says, “Ma’am, does he always talk to you like this?
She replies, “Only when he’s had too much to drink, officer.”

Funny Comeback Of The Day

Muhammad Ali to Billy Crystal at Howard Cosell’s funeral:
Do you think he’s wearing his hairpiece?

Billy Crystal:
Uh — I don’t think so.

Ali:
Well then how will God recognize him?”

Crystal:
Champ, once he opens his mouth, God’ll know.

Funny Quote Of The Day

“If you don’t believe God has a sense of humor, just look at your neighbor.”
-Will Rogers

Funny One-Liner Joke Of The Day

"A man who tells lies, like me, merely hides the truth. But a man who tells half-lies has forgotten where he put it."
--Claude Rains as Mr. Dryden, Lawrence of Arabia

Funny Jokes Of The Day #4:

Restaurant Wisdom in the Ozarks

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