Short funny quotes - big fun humor. Famous people saying funny stuff. Humorous sayings about Music, Movies, Funny Proverbs, Funny Fortune Cookies, Witty Retorts, Bitchy Quotes, "Stupid" Quotes. Tall laughs in small packages.

Funny Fortune Cookies

So sorry, the fortune you are seeking is in a different cookie.

In one hour, you will again be hungry.

You were just googled by insurance salesman. Take precaution.

Can please only one person per day. Today not your day. Tomorrow not looking good either.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

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Humorous Sayings:
Funny Proverbs

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

More Funny Proverbs

Short Funny Quotes:
Funny Movie Quotes

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
- Peter Sellers, as President Merkin Muffley, in "Dr. Strangelove"

I'll have what she's having.
- Estelle Reiner as the diner customer, after Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm in "When Harry Met Sally"

It’s been so long I forgot who gets tied up.
- John Cusack to Minnie Driver in Grosse Point Blank

I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- Woody Allen in Casino Royale (1966)

In Italy, for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
- Orson Welles, in "The Third Man," screenplay by Graham Greene

Funny Sayings:
Funny Music Quotes

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
- Elvis Presley

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.
- Tom Waits

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
- Dave Barry

Brass bands are all very well in their place — outdoors and several miles away.
- Thomas Beecham

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, along a plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.
- Hunter S. Thompson

Famous Sayings:
Famous Funny People

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
- Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a close resemblance to the first.
- Ronald Reagan

More Funny Ronald Reagan Quotes

Funny Stuff:
Stupid Quotes

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Vice President Dan Quayle

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball player

You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.
- Bill Peterson, football coach

Famous Sayings:
Clever Comebacks, Witty Retorts

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
Churchill: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A married couple approached Groucho Marx and the man said, “Groucho, would you say something insulting to my wife?”
Groucho looked at them and replied, “With a wife like that, you should be able to think of your own insults.”

Lawyer to witness: “You seem to have a lot of intelligence for a man of your background.”
Witness: “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

Short Funny Quotes:
Bitchy Quotes

I'd love to work with Barbara Streisand again. In something appropriate. Perhaps, Macbeth.
- Walter Matthau

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
- Fred Allen

I knew him when he was nothing and he hasn't changed a bit.
- Tom Waits

An outstandingly unpleasant man. One who cheated and stole from his friends and peed on their carpets.
- Kingsley Amis, on Dylan Thomas

I knew her before she was a virgin.
- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day

More Bitchy Quotes

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