Top 30 Canadian Jokes

Favorite Canadian jokes for the friendly folks up north, and all their fans. To warm northern hearts and other body parts, eh?

Canadian Jokes, Group 1

Duck! Duck! Moose! ~ Canadian drivers
- Stacy ‏@Stexcy

Scientists are concerned the legalization of marijuana in Canada may result in an entire nation of overly friendly and polite people.
- Charles Lake @mesealake

Dear Canada,
Please come get your geese. They're shitting on everything.
Love, America
- Jack Boot @IamJackBoot

Canadian Jokes, Group 2

Canadians are awesome.
Bacon is awesome.
Canadian Bacon: perhaps my expectations are too high.
- Tweeting Dad @TweetingDadGuy

Canadian sext: Oh god, oh my god... Your hands are FREEZING!!
- Katie Kaleidoscope ☮ ‏@k8ieokay

The Canadian Godfather:
“I’m gonna make him an offer he will be free to refuse but I will urge him not to as it is very generous.”
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Scientists are baffled by Canadians' ability to watch movies and play video games and not shoot each other.
- Danny Zuker ‏@DannyZuker

I never want to try Canadian whiskey, because I don't want to get drunk & start being incredibly polite to people.
- Kekums ‏@KekumsSqueakums

There are few, if any, Canadian men that have never spelled their name in a snow bank.
- Douglas Coupland

Canadian Jokes, Group 3

Nearly got in a car accident tonight. We both got out of our cars and apologized. It was very Canadian.
- Liz ‏@bestlizard

Canadian sexting:
“You should see what I look like under all these layers, baby.”
- Samantha  @ItsSamG

Headed up to Canada for a meeting. How many moose will I be allowed to bring back with me?
- Jake Vig @Jake_Vig

I once saw two drunk guys floating down a river on a picnic table that was straddling two canoes if you want to know more about Canada
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

I had a member of the Canadian parliament follow me today & all of a sudden I find I have an opinion about maple syrup usage taxes.
- Aristotles ‏@AristotlesNZ

Canadian Jokes, Group 4

I heard that after Canadian elections, the winner takes the loser out for poutine just to show there are no hard feelings.
- waitwait ‏@waitwait

Canadian political attack ads are hilarious. “Oh, the other guy, he’s a nice guy. I think I could do a little better.” That’s an attack ad in Canada.
- Bill Maher

I love Canadians! They're like Americans except nicer and more polite with less guns and better healthcare.
OK, they're not like Americans.
- The Untastic Mr. Fitz @UnFitz

Somebody told me these are Canada geese. They can’t be. They’ve been pooping everywhere for days and they still haven’t apologized.
- Mizgin ‏@OfficialMizGin

Canada. Because I love being cold 95% of my life.
- Cookie Crumbs ‏@angelizaj

Canadian Jokes, Group 5

Sometimes we Canadians get really mad, and will go so far as to say "Pardon!?" in a semi-rude tone before buying you one of the cheap beers.
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

Canadian citizenship question 1. What is a "Timbit"
- Hope Knot ‏@InATwist

People think Canadians don’t have guns, but if you’re not careful I’ll totally squirt you.
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

Do you think Justin Bieber and Nickelback are just Canada's passive aggressive way of fighting? Canada reminds me of my mother.
- Ashley ‏@ashleycrem

Canadian bacon is just ham that apologizes for not really being bacon.
- AmishPornStar ‏@AmishPornStar1

Canadian Jokes, Group 6

Canada is not part of the United States. (It is part of Iceland.)
- Dave Barry

We Americans make jokes about how nice Canadians are, but let's be honest: Being nicer than us is not a high bar.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

My guest is explaining curling. Says people can only call foul on themselves. That may be the most Canadian thing I've ever heard.
- α geek ‏@alfageeek

To enter the United States is a matter of crossing an ocean; to enter Canada is a matter of being silently swallowed by an alien continent.
- Northrop Frye

[narrating documentary on Bigfoot] Sightings come mostly from the Pacific Northwest and even Canada where he is known as Big 0.3048meters
- Terry F ‏@daemonic3

The loopiest [ice hockey] goalie of all was Gilles Gratton, who bounced around in the minors in the ’70s before ending his career with the St. Louis Blues and the New York Rangers. Gratton liked to skate in the nude sometimes, wearing just his goalie mask, and refused to play if the stars did not line up properly. He believed that in a previous life he was an executioner who stoned people to death, and that he was fated to become a goalie — someone on the receiving end of a stoning, so to speak — as punishment.
- Charles McGrath, NY Times

Canadian Jokes: New Baby Boy

A Canadian from Saskatoon is having a few beers in a Pittsburg bar. His cell phone rings, he answers, yells, hangs up, and buys a round for the house.

“What’s the occasion?” asks one of the patrons.

“New baby boy, son number five, healthy, weighs in at 20 lbs, just like his brothers did.”

“Twenty pounds? You’ve got to be a bit loopy, pal.”

“No, no, that’s about average up north. We have to grow big to stay warm. He’s a 20-pounder all right.”

A week later he’s back in the same bar. All the regulars ask him how much his new boy weighs after a week.

“About 11 pounds now, so says the wife.”

“Eleven pounds? What happened? Is he sick?”

The Canadian laughs. “No, no, he’s healthy as a horse. We just had him circumcised.”

Canadian Jokes, Group 7

Why do Canadians like to do it doggy style?
So they can keep watching the hockey game.

Did you hear about the Canadian who won a gold medal in the Olympics?
He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women.
- Richard Benner

What do you call a witty man in Canada?
A tourist.

One day Canada will take over the US. It won't be an invasion, it'll be an intervention.
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

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