Top 30 Christmas One Liners
Yule feel much finer with these Christmas one liners. No holiday blahs with these clever ha-ha's. Don't forget to send us milk and cookies.
Funny Quotations:
Christmas, Group 1
That kid is in the manger again playing his drum WHERE ARE THE PARENTS???
- Dave Barry @rayadverb
If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.
- Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy
How can you not love eggnog? You’re basically getting wasted on ice cream.
- Bill Maher
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson
Christmas One Liners
Group 2
I'm releasing a holiday song called, "All I Want for Christmas is my Parents' Freaking Wifi Password."
- Damien Fahey @DamienFahey "
If at least two family members remain incarcerated, we won't have to put the leaf in the table.
- April May @aprilmaywilson
I have to go vegan cake tasting today and I'm just not sure Jesus considered this when He said "be thankful in ALL things."
WhatserName™ @IamEveryDayPpl
I sighed as I felt the hot breath on my neck and that hungry tongue licking my face.
I should never have asked for a puppy for Christmas.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey @50ShedsofGrey
If you've seen one Santa, you've seen a mall.
- Terry F @daemonic3
Christmas One Liners
Group 3
Cash is the one gift everyone despises and no one turns down.
- Mignon McLaughlin
I
lay helpless on the shed floor, my hands tied and my mouth covered with
tape. I never could get the hang of wrapping Christmas presents.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey @50ShedsofGrey
A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.
- Katherine Whitehorn
I have good memories wrapped up in the word “Christmas.” To me it’s about family and memories, and the looks on the carolers’ faces when I set the dogs on them.
- Bill Maher
December 25 is National Jews Go To The Movies Day.
- Jon Stewart
This Might Just Save Your Party...
Best Christmas Jokes
Group 4
As I lay beneath a sea of writhing
bodies, urgent limbs exploring and grasping hungrily, I realised
something. I hate Christmas shopping.
- Fifty Sheds of Grey @50ShedsofGrey
My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.
- Smug Lemur @Smug_Lemur
This is that exciting time of the year when I find out what I'm getting my wife for Christmas.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
All I want for Christmas is for my family to stop trying to talk to me while I’m trying to tweet.
- Robin Wood @vanderwangwe
A cute thing I tell my kids is that if
you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you
two of everything you ask for.
- Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22
Christmas One Liners
Group 5
Last year's holiday weight, meet this year's holiday weight.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
This Christmas, give the gift of peace: add a little Prozac to the cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn
The best present I ever got was a beautiful skate key from my cousin. If I’d had roller skates it would've been perfect.
- Mel Brooks @MelBrooks)
"Mommy, what were those animal noises coming from you & Daddy's room?"
*mom winks at dad* “Oh…nothing."
[later] "She knows about the pony.”
- Sadvent @crylenol
Childhood: I WANT IT TO BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY.
Adulthood: It's December 8th. The Christmas music is relentless. I will confess to anything.
- Elizabeth Hackett @LizHackett
"His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." -Mrs. Grinch
- Qwerty Jones
Christmas One Liners
Group 6
What better way to celebrate a religious
holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism. Getting loads of loot
is a very spiritual experience for me.
- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)
In my experience, clever food is not appreciated at Christmas. It makes the little ones cry and the old ones nervous.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
I'm excited to go home for the holidays because it's been exhausting finishing my own sentences all year.
- Elizabeth Hackett @lizhackett
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Darlin’ Darla @darlainky
Mom: What do you want for Christmas?
Me: To find out I was adopted.
- Justy Dodge @justydodge
My
8 year old mailed a letter to Santa regarding the gifts he wants, so
Santa is now writing back with the details on how to vacuum a house.
- Brian Hope @Brianhopecomedy
Sometimes the best Christmas present is remembering what you've already got.
- Cathy Guisewite
Want more Like these Christmas One Liners? Try these:
Christmas Humor Quotes For Curmudgeons
Or go back to Anniversary Jokes
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Head Lafologist
Greg Tamblyn, N.C.W.
(No Credentials Whatsoever)
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