Funny Anniversary Quotes & Jokes

Spice up your celebration with these funny anniversary quotes and jokes. More fun than champagne, no hangover, and no empty bottles to recycle!

Funny Anniversary Quotes:
One-Liners

On wedding anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

There’s a new pain reliever for wives that relieves the headache caused by a husband who never remembers your anniversary. It’s called "Jackasspirin."

Wedding anniversaries are a time when men pause and reflect on what it was they did before they were married: anything they wanted to.

Funny Anniversary Quotes:
Group 2

On his 50th wedding anniversary, Henry Ford was asked his formula for a successful married life. He replied that it was the same formula that made his automobile successful: “Stick to one model.”

It's mine & my husbands first wedding anniversary today. Gonna scare him by asking where he thinks this relationship is going.
- Chani ‏@thispartyislame

Drug stores understand life. That's why the Anniversary cards and Sympathy cards are right next to each other.
- A Guy Named Kelly ‏@kellysdf

I know all the satellite TV channel numbers and all the words to "Stairway To Heaven," and I know my anniversary is sometime in the fall.
- jerry lock ‏@jlock17

Why are his-and-her presents always for her?
- Jason Love ‏@jasonlovetwit

I celebrated 20 years of marriage and I did it the hard way: four men.
- Joanne Astrow

Funny Anniversary Quotes:
Group 3

For my parents 50th wedding anniversary I sent them on a trip to Florida. I paid for everything. They were thrilled. First time they'd ever been on a bus.
- Stu Trivax

My husband and I celebrated our 38th wedding anniversary. You know what I finally realized? If I had killed the man the first time I thought about it, I’d have been out of jail by now.
- Anita Milner

23 years ago, my wife and I were having an argument about how to celebrate our first anniversary. Money was tight, and we had to choose between taking a beach vacation or buying a couch, which we did not have. Being a Spaniard, she naturally advocated for the beach. As a thrifty American, I argued for the couch because it was permanent. In the end, we compromised — we went to the beach.
- Arthur C. Brooks

Anniversary Gift

For over 20 years Helen had been complaining to Harry about him not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

On their 25th anniversary, Harry resolved to change this bad habit and make his wife happy.

For the next week Harry was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. He kept expecting Helen to thank him, but she never brought it up.

Finally one night in bed, she turned, looked at him, and said, “Why did you stop brushing your teeth?”

The Truth Comes Out

Funny Anniversary Quotes:
Group 4

Unless you want to forget your marriage, it’s a good idea to remember your anniversary.
- Melanie White

After you have kids, the best anniversary gift you can get is free babysitting.
- Melanie White

The more anniversaries you have, the more you hope that sleeping together will mean no snoring.
- Melanie White

One way to “go for the gold” is to stay married for 50 years.
- Melanie White

I tried to convince my wife that it’s way better to forget your anniversary than to forget you’re married.
- Melanie White

Funny Anniversary Quotes:
50th Surprise

Every Wednesday night at St. Rocco’s Catholic Church is a marriage seminar for husbands.

One night Father Gill asked Fabio to share his secrets for staying happily married for almost 50 years.

Fabio explained that he’d tried to treat his wife nice, buy her a few things, and best of all, he took her to Rome for their 25th anniversary.

Father Gill asked, “So what are you going to do for your 50th?”

Fabio proudly answered, “I’m gonna go pick her up!”

More Truth

A couple were celebrating their 45th anniversary together. They invited their two successful children to join them for a special dinner.

Their daughter, the lawyer, arrived just 10 minutes before dinner. “Sorry I’m almost late,” she said. “The jury took forever to come back. I rushed over here with no time to get you a gift. But Happy Anniversary!”

“No worries about a gift,” said the mother. “We’re just happy you could make it.”

Five minutes later their son, the doctor, rushed in. “So sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. The surgery had some complications, and I had no time to buy you an appropriate present. But Happy Anniversary!”

“The present is not important,” said the mother. “I'm happy we're all together.”

After dinner the father said, “Kids, your mom and I have been in love with each other for 45 years. We've been blessed with the two of you, and had a wonderful life. But we have a confession to make. Way back then we were struggling, and so busy trying to make ends meet, we never took the time to actually get legally married.”

“What?” exclaimed the daughter.

“You mean we’re bastards?” asked the son.

“Yep,” said the father. “Cheap ones, too.”

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