Funny As Hell Sayings: Exercise

These funny as hell sayings about exercise will smash your workout doubt to smithereens. They'll give your goof-off guilt the runaround. They'll flex your funnybone. They'll help lighten the heavy lifting. Feel better? Good. Now go take a hike.

Short Clean Jokes:
Exercise, Group 1

I joined a health club last year; spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

If you want to take up cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Funny As Hell Sayings:
Exercise, Group 2

I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck

Exercise is the yuppie version of bulimia.
- Barbara Ehrenreich

A reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class somewhere pulls a hamstring.
- Allan Roth

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
- Robert M. Hutchins

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happier with buns of cinnamon.
- Ellen DeGeneres

The only exercise I get is when I take the studs out of one shirt and put them in another.
- Ring Lardner

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.
- Franklin P. Jones

Funny As Hell Sayings:
Exercise, Group 3

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
- Phyllis Diller

Doctor to patient: “What fits your busy schedule better, exercising one hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?”
- Randy Glasbergen

I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
- Neil Armstrong

I was going to wake up early to go jogging, but my toes voted against me 10 to 1.
- Randy Glasbergen

I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Funny Exercise Quotes
Group 4

Albert Einstein discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, “You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.”
- Dave Barry

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.
- Jim Gaffigan

If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
- Joey Adams

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
- Erma Bombeck

Funny Workout Quotes:
Group 5

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it “Jumping Up and Down.”
- Rita Rudner

I don't get why people pay to exercise in a GYM when it's FREE to not exercise.
- Bridger Winegar

I can’t die, it would ruin my image.
- Jack LaLanne

I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.
- Oscar Wilde

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
- Red Skelton

Funny As Hell Sayings:
Exercise, Group 6

America has got to be the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer.
- Mike Vanatta

Gym Rule #1: If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: “Whatever hurts most.”
- Jason Love

My dog is the rabbit sheriff of the neighborhood, I'm her deputy. This keeps us both in shape.
- Greg Tamblyn

When you’re old you feast on your memories, and if you spend too much time on exercise, you may get old and not have many.
- Garrison Keillor

I'm 99% sure no one would run marathons if they weren't allowed to talk about running marathons.
- Mike Vanatta

If you want to get in shape, go to the gym every single day, change your clothes and take a shower. If you can do that every single day for a month, pretty soon you'll start doing something while you're there...
- Seth Godin

Funny As Hell Sayings:
Exercise, Group 7

Lifting weights is just one dumbbell after another.
- Melanie White

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.
- Evan Esar

My sweatpants smell like give up.
- Prontopup

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
- Ellen DeGeneres

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