Funny Graduation Quotes

Graduate with Humor! Funny graduation quotes to keep you armed and hilarious. Short clean jokes and funny stuff for a sideways perspective on years of education at the hands of people who were mainly hoping you didn’t get sick in their classroom. Onward!

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Funny Graduation Quotes:
Group 1

So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.
- Bill Watterson

You may think you’ll never find your “dream job,” but trust me: If you set your goals high, and never ever give up, I guarantee you that one day you will find yourself working for a huge impersonal corporation run by morons. Everybody does!
- Dave Barry

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
- Jon Stewart

Short Clean Jokes:
Graduation, Group 2

Before I went to college, I made a little money painting houses part-time. But after I became a college educated man, I got serious about a career and began painting houses full-time.
- Bruce Cameron

Wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.
- Conan O’Brien

This is your big day - the day when you jam four years worth of unlaundered underwear into a Hefty bag and leave college, prepared by your professors to go out into the Real World. The first thing you’ll notice is that your professors are not going out there with you. They’re not stupid; that’s why they’re professors.
- Dave Barry

At commencement you wear your square-shaped mortarboards. My hope is that from time to time you will let your minds be bold, and wear sombreros.
- Paul Freund

You will never have more energy or enthusiasm, hair or brain cells than you have today.
- Ray and Tom Magliozzi, Car Talk

Funny Graduation Quotes:
Group 3

I was a transfer student from a small, all-male college in Virginia, where I had been a philosophy major, but I decided to switch to something with stronger job prospects: theater major.
- Stephen Colbert

Parents: Many of your children you haven’t seen in four years. Well, you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn’t working.
- Conan O’Brien

Congratulations! You have now earned the of right to join the grownup world of working for a living, the chief privilege of which is setting your alarm for the crack of dawn, as opposed to the crack of noon.
- Greg Tamblyn

You do not owe the previous generation anything. Thanks to us, you owe it to the Chinese.
- Stephen Colbert

Graduation is about making choices – like whether you’d rather work or stay in school a few more years.
- Melanie White

Funny Graduation Quotes
Group 4

A college diploma is just a big, fancy receipt.
- Ruminations.com

Decades ago, when I graduated from college, my friends and I would rather have undergone a vasectomy with a fondue fork than move back in with our parents. But times have changed.
- Dave Barry

Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, Presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me!
- Stephen Colbert

Four years ago, many of you had a specific idea of what your college experience was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very different from what you imagined. Your roommates changed, your major changed, for some of you, your sexual orientation changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexual orientation since I began this speech. I know I have.
- Conan O’Brien

This is the time of year when you get a graduation invite for a kid you met once and he peed on your lap when he was two.
- Charles Lake @mesealake

Graduation reminded me of church - only the speeches took longer.
- Melanie White

Graduation was a lot like the classes I had to take to get there. At least there wasn’t a test afterwards.
- Melanie White

I spent my graduation pretty much the same way I spent my time in class: making comments under my breath.
- Melanie White

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More funny stuff like this? Try these links:

Graduation Jokes

Funny Graduation Sayings

Funny School Quotes

21st Birthday Jokes

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