Top 40 Funny Life Quotes

Funny life quotes and free clean jokes. Enough funny stuff to make your life pass before your eyes...in a whole new way. Take two dozen and call me in the afterlife.

Funny Quotes:
"Life," Group 1

Sure, everyone always said “Socrates what is the meaning of life?” or
“Socrates how can I find happiness?” Did anyone ever say “Socrates, 
hemlock is poison?”
- Unknown Author

I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.
- Woody Allen

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
- Andy Borowitz

The lifespan of the citizens of Monaco is several years longer than the people of Japan or Italy. This is proof that casinos are good for you.
- Greg Tamblyn

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams

Funny Life Quotes
Group 2

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
- David Brent

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx

The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
- Samuel Johnson

Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff

Life is a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
- Wilson Mizner

Life is a roller coaster ride with no lap bar.
- Greg Tamblyn

The Secret To Life: Making Sure
You Have Enough Enchilada Sauce.

Funny Life Quotes
Group 3

Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

I have a feeling that when my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport.
- Charles M. Schulz

To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
- Franklin P. Adams

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is 100 percent.
- R.D. Laing

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

This Might Just Save Your Party...

Free Clean Jokes:
"Life," Group 4

In the game of life it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relives you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
- Lee Trevino

I’d like to advance to the next spiritual plane, but I can’t find my boarding pass.
- Melanie White

CONCEPTION
Insert tool P into hole V and screw gently.
If you accidentally insert into hole A, simply remove and try again.
- IKEA Guide to Life ‏@IKEALifeGuide

Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid.
- Michael Crichton

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
- Lewis Grizzard

The pioneers get the arrows, the settlers get the land.
- Unknown author

Funny Stuff:
"Life" Group 5

Autocorrect just changed “my life” to the poop emoji.
- Kent Graham ‏@KentWGraham

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen

When your wife promises you that all her relatives will be in heaven, it starts to sound a lot like hell.
- (from a cartoon by Tim Lachowski)

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Anonymous

Life is like asking the pilot of an airplane, “Where are we?” By the time he answers, you’re not there anymore.
- Phil Proctor

All I want is my life to be a comedy with a happy ending.
- Greg Tamblyn

Most of life is driving somewhere and then driving back and wondering why the hell you went.
- John Updike

Funny Life Quotes
Group 6

Life is not too bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
- Christopher Sherwood

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
- Tom Robbins

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
- Winston Churchill

I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

Life is one duct tape job after another, interrupted by occasional chocolate chip cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn

Life is like a box of hand grenades, you never know what will blow you to kingdom come.
- Mario Puzo

"Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends."
- Joseph Campbell

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