Funny life quotes and free clean jokes. Enough funny stuff to make your life pass before your eyes...in a whole new way. Take two dozen and call me in the afterlife.
Funny Quotes:
"Life," Group 1
Sure, everyone always said “Socrates what is the meaning of life?”
or
“Socrates how can I find happiness?” Did anyone ever say
“Socrates,
hemlock is poison?”
- Unknown Author
I didn’t believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don’t.
- Woody Allen
The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.
- Andy Borowitz
The
lifespan of the citizens of Monaco is several years longer than the
people of Japan or Italy. This is proof that casinos are good for you.
- Greg Tamblyn
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire
I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.
- Douglas Adams
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
- David Brent
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
- Groucho Marx
The realisation that one is to be hanged in the morning concentrates the mind wonderfully.
- Samuel Johnson
Not only is life a bitch, but it is always having puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff
Life is a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
- Wilson Mizner
Life is a roller coaster ride with no lap bar.
- Greg Tamblyn
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.
- Ashleigh Brilliant
I have a feeling that when my ship comes in, I'll be at the airport.
- Charles M. Schulz
To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.
- Franklin P. Adams
Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is 100 percent.
- R.D. Laing
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson
In the game of life it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relives you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season.
- Lee Trevino
I’d like to advance to the next spiritual plane, but I can’t find my boarding pass.
- Melanie White
CONCEPTION
Insert tool P into hole V and screw gently.
If you accidentally insert into hole A, simply remove and try again.
- IKEA Guide to Life @IKEALifeGuide
Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid.
- Michael Crichton
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
- Lewis Grizzard
The pioneers get the arrows, the settlers get the land.
- Unknown author
Autocorrect just changed “my life” to the poop emoji.
- Kent Graham @KentWGraham
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen
When your wife promises you that all her relatives will be in heaven, it starts to sound a lot like hell.
- (from a cartoon by Tim Lachowski)
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Anonymous
Life is like asking the pilot of an airplane, “Where are we?” By the time he answers, you’re not there anymore.
- Phil Proctor
All I want is my life to be a comedy with a happy ending.
- Greg Tamblyn
Most of life is driving somewhere and then driving back and wondering why the hell you went.
- John Updike
Life is not too bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.
- Christopher Sherwood
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
- Tom Robbins
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
- Winston Churchill
I was wise enough to never grow up while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead
Life is one duct tape job after another, interrupted by occasional chocolate chip cookies.
- Greg Tamblyn
Life is like a box of hand grenades, you never know what will blow you to kingdom come.
- Mario Puzo
"Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends."
- Joseph Campbell
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