The Best Funny Proverbs

Funny proverbs for all you wise guys and gals. Funny sayings to help you keep your life in the laugh lane, and your head in the humor zone. Wise up!

Funny Proverbs:
Group 1

1. If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.

2. The problem with the gene pool is there's no lifeguard.

3. If you can smile when things go wrong, you already have someone to blame.

4. The older you are, the harder it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have become good buddies.

5. Eat a small toad in the morning, and it will be the worst thing you do all day.

6. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Hong Kong.

7. Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Never use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.

9. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

10. On the subject of singing, the frog school and the lark school disagree.

Funny Proverbs, Group 2

11. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
- National Lampoon

12. Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

13. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

14. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

15. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

16. At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

17. Keep the dream alive. Hit the snooze button.

18. Being a couch potato is not the same as being a failure. Being a failure implies that you were actually trying to do something.

19. If you can't afford health insurance, you can always rely on the placebo effect.

20. When opportunity knocks, don't sit there complaining about the noise.

Funny Proverbs, Group 3

21. Rationalist philosophy: "I think, therefore I am."
Artist philosophy: "I doubt, therefore I might be."
- Greg Tamblyn

22. Remember: If you don't sin, Jesus died for nothing.

23. Never look down on short people.
- Greg Tamblyn

24. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Dave Barry

25. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

26. If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.

27. Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

28. It 's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

29. Learn from your parents' mistakes. Practice birth control.

30. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Funny Proverbs, Group 4

31. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

32. Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos..what you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

33. A man with both feet firmly on the ground is a man who can't get his pants off.

34. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

35. No one is listening until you fart.

36. Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain, and that's where your crappy ideas come from.

37. The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.

38. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

39. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

40. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Funny Proverbs, Group 5

41. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

42. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

43. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

44. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

45. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

46. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

47. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

48. The best advice that your mother ever gave you was. "Go! You might meet somebody!"

49. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

50. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

Group 6

51. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

52. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

53. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

54. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

55. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

56. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

57. It's not economical to go to bed early to save candles if the results are twins.

58. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

59. You never really learn to pray until your kids learn to drive.

60. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

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