Funny Quotes About Men

Guys, these funny quotes about men will tone your testosterone so it's back in tune. Especially if you really think you’re at the top of the food chain. Hilarious stuff for gals, and for guys with a sense of humor.

Funny Men Quotes
Group 1

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

Men don't get cellulite. God just might be a man.
- Rita Rudner

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
- Conan O’Brien

Ikea stores now have a place for wives to park their husbands while they shop. It’s called Man Land. They also give the wives a buzzer to remind them to pick up their men before they leave.

Guys do not get enough credit for being domestic. This is because the people who give OUT the credits for being domestic are - not to generalize or anything - women.
- Dave Barry

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
- Rita Rudner

Funny Quotes About Men
Group 2

Men...are reluctant to share our feelings, in large part because we often don’t have any.
- Dave Barry

I don’t mind men who kiss and tell. I need all the publicity I can get.
- Ruth Buzzi

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
- Rita Rudner

I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.
- Mae West

Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.
- Marcel Achard

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
- Groucho Marx

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? “Hold my purse.”
- Francois Morency

Funny Quotes About Men
Group 3

I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser

Every man over forty is a scoundrel.
- George Bernard Shaw

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
- Jimmy Shubert

One of the reasons ballet is so popular is that for two hours men can watch lovely women who never say a word.
- Unknown Author

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.
- Mae West

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
- Oscar Wilde

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
- Madame de Stael (Also attributed to Madame Roland)

Funny Quotes About Men:
Group 4

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
- George Best

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.
- Lucille Ball

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
- Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
- Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
- Rita Rudner

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
- J. O'Rourke

Men are merely a genetic experiment run by women.
- Seth Shostak, SETI astronomer

Funny Quotes About Men
Group 5

Women want mediocre men, and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

It's gotta be weird, stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it.
- Jimmy Fallon, on Prince William's bachelor party

When women go wrong, men go right after them.
- Mae West

The thing that women have to realize is that way down deep, men are really shallow.
- Dave Barry

Funny Quotes About Men:
Group 6

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
- Jean Kerr

The simple truth is that guys have this overpowering urge to watch stuff fall and crash. If you ever see an inappropriate object, such as a piano, hurtling toward the earth from a great height, you can be virtually certain that guys are responsible.
- Dave Barry

Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.
- Will Durst

Women look in a mirror, and no matter what they look like in real life, they alway think they look worse. Guys look in a mirror and think they look substantially better than they are. No matter how much of a three-toed knuckle dragger a guy is, he figures he’s four or five sit-ups away from being in the hot tub with Elle McPherson
- Richard Jeni

Women are the most powerful magnet in the universe. All men are cheap metal. And we know where north is.
- Larry Miller

In a perfect world, no man, including the husband, would ever be invited to a baby shower.
- Jason Love

Funny Quotes About Men:
Men, Group 7

Men: Do not ever, for any reason, sing while using a public urinal. This is a RULE.
- Dave Barry

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the late seventies.
- P. G. Wodehouse

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
- Rita Rudner

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there.
- Scott Adams

A man bears the same relationship to a woman as a multiple choice test does to an essay exam.
- Mardy Grothe

A real man can never own enough things that require AC adapters.
- Dave Barry

Funny Quotes About Men
Group 8

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
- Elaine Boosler

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He aid, “Yes, but not with each other.”
- Rita Rudner

A girl told me that if you talk to a man about himself, he will listen for hours. She said something else but I'd stopped listening.
- Kelkulus @Kelkulus

Men are not listening to you if the TV is on. They will nod and smile and pretend to understand you to get rid of you, but they’ve not heard a word you said. Unless you’ve said the word “sex.”
- Janet Periat

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
- Groucho Marx

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