Funny science quotes about the weird and wonderful: space, the universe, relativity, physics, evolution, electricity, intelligence, gravity, infinity, UFOs, and more. They'll realign your reality, whatever the heck that is.

Funny Quotes About
Science, Group 1

I had trouble with physics in college. When I signed up I thought it said psychics.
- Greg Tamblyn

The Big Bang Explained: somebody told God a great joke when God had a mouthful of milk.
- Anonymous

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

There’s an old saying among scientific guys: “You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane.”
- Dave Barry

Funny Science Quotes
Group 2

I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical.
- Arthur C. Clarke

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
- Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes)

I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.
- Bill Maher ‏

Occams Razor is the scientific principle that, all things being equal, the simplest explanation is always the dog ate my homework.
Greg Tamblyn

When you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
- Dave Barry

Funny Science Quotes
Group 3

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Steven Wright

If math was taught like science in Kansas, Texas, and Tennessee, then 2+2=5 would be a “competing theory.”
-Unknown Author

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
- Bill Watterson

Why would you clone people when you can go to bed with them and make a baby? C'mon, it's stupid.
- Ray Bradbury

Funny Science Quotes
Group 4

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet.
- Stephen Hawking

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
- Aldous Huxley

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams

My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great meals. I do not believe mankind will ever develop a formula to explain this.
- Joel Klein, Time Magazine

Funny Science Quotes
Group 5

Apparently there are three levels of brain activity. Level 1 is the lowest level - the amount of concentration required to, say, delete emails or serve in congress.
- Bruce Cameron

We all understand the twinge of discomfort at the thought that we share a common ancestor with the apes. No one can embarrass you like a relative.
- Neal DeGrasse Tyson

Yet another spunky li’l NASA robot lands and begins transmitting back photographs of rocks that appear virtually identical to the rock photos beamed back by all the other spunky li’l NASA robots, thus confirming suspicions that the universe has a LOT of rocks in it.
- Dave Barry, 2004 year in review

The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn't have a space program. And if we become extinct because we don't have a space program, it'll serve us right!
- Larry Niven

I'm human; never been to space. Monkeys aren't human; have been to space. That's the gist of my lawsuit against NASA.
- Mike Vanatta

All These Atoms
© 2000 Ramblin' Tamblyn Music

As hard as it might seem to be
Parts of you were once a tree
Once a fish in the primal soup
Something’s dinner, something’s poop

Fifteen billion years ago
The big bang was quite a show
All this time and now here we are
Parts of you were once a star

Award-winning song downloaded over 25,000 times. Also used by science teachers for classes of all ages.  Listen here.

Funny Science Quotes
Group 6

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research.
- Albert Einstein

If I were ever abducted by aliens, the first thing I’d ask is whether they came from a planet where people also deny science.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson ‏@neiltyson

The God Particle is just a regular particle that some say bears the image of the Virgin Mary. It will be on eBay shortly.
- Kelkulus

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.
- Desmond Morris

I won't be impressed with science until I can download a waffle.
- Sean Gabay

Funny Science Quotes
Group 7

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they’re calling Super Earth. It’s indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.
- Peter Sagal

Sure, gravity makes everything sag as you get older, but it also keeps your dinner from flying all over the room so you don’t have to chase it.
- Greg Tamblyn

Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.
- Peter Sagal

Science has now determined there is a direct relationship between the way the ball bounces and the cookie crumbles.
- Anonymous

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
- Dave Barry

Funny Science Quotes
Group 8

The Universe is not only queerer than we suppose, it is queerer than we can suppose.
- J.B.S. Haldane, biologist

A person who isn’t outraged on first hearing about quantum theory doesn’t understand what has been said.
- Neils Bohr

Being a scientist is like doing a jigsaw puzzle in a snowstorm at night, with some pieces missing, and with no idea what the finished picture looks like.
- Anonymous scientist

God not only plays dice, he throws them in the corner where you can't see them.
- Stephen Hawking

This just in: UFOs are here to stop Yellowstone from exploding, thus saving mankind, probably for their own amusement.
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Science Quotes
Group 9

Scientists are peeping toms at the keyhole of eternity.
- Arthur Koestler

Intelligence is an accident of evolution, and not necessarily an advantage.
- Isaac Asimov

In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself. Nature does it for you.
- Frank Wilczek

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.
- Unknown Author

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own set of laws.
- Douglas Adams

Funny Science Quotes
Group 10

I'm not sure if I was the first man in space or the last dog.
- Yuri Gagarin

There is no great invention, from fire to flying, which has not been hailed as an insult to some god.
- J. B. S. Haldane

It is a good morning exercise for a research scientist to discard a pet hypothesis every day before breakfast. It keeps him young.
- Konrad Lorenz

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.
- Wernher von Braun

Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases:
(1)  It's completely impossible.
(2)  It's possible, but it's not worth doing.
(3)  I said it was a good idea all along.
- Arthur C. Clarke

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