Top 40 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

There Funny Thanksgiving quotes are better than Pepto Bismol Pie, and there's not a turkey in the bunch. Help yourself to seconds and thirds.

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 1

If there's a better way of showing thanks than eating a large bird followed by pie, I'd like to see it.
- Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

It's not Thanksgiving until your backyard game of touch football ends with Grandma being put into concussion protocol
- Zack ‏@Mr_Kapowski

Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Fifty shades of gravy
- JaimieAlleyWho @jaimiealley

Serious Thanksgiving question: when a family member's telling a tragic story and everyone's crying, how long should i wait before taking a bite of my pie?
- beth likes pie, so @bourgeoisalien

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 2

Kids: "Thanksgiving is boring."
Me: "Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again."
Kids: "YAY!"
- Jawbreaker ‏@sixfootcandy

Having thanksgiving with the in-laws and apparently we're all very thankful for our smartphones.
- HammBone ‏@hammbone84

"Thanksgiving was better in prison." - Uncle Spike, every year since his parole
- Untastic Mr. Fitz ‏@UnFitz

Thank God I can start calling this my "holiday weight".
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Leftover pie is the only thing I'll be fighting for on Black Friday.
- Jawbreaker ‏@sixfootcandy

Relationship Status: Stuffing the Thanksgiving turkey without innuendo or irony.
- Ham on Wry ‏@HeyZeus666

Group 3

Native American: Great meal. So, how long you guys planning on staying?
Pilgrim: Um....

My Thanksgiving wish is that every time someone says they ate so much they're going to explode, they actually do.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

If anyone from my family asks, I accepted an early invitation to have Thanksgiving with you guys. Don't worry, I'll be at Denny's again.
- Sëã Tęâ ‏@Tierno158

Fun Prank: Once people are finished, tell them your signature Thanksgiving Bloody Mary gets most of its' flavor from raw turkey gizzards.
- Martin Munson ‏@wickedimproper

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
- Grant Tanaka ‏@GrantTanaka

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 4

I love Thanksgiving! When else can you eat too much and watch football? Except for like every weekend.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

Thanksgiving recipe for Rick:
Preheat man cave to 72 degrees
Set TV to football
Stuff with turkey
Let rest for 10-12 hours.
- Rick Aaron ‏@RickAaron

Would love to have just one Thanksgiving without getting into an argument during dinner that leads to me being ejected from Denny's
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

Note to self: when they ask you what you're thankful for, don't just list off your prescriptions.
- emily lime ‏@emilylime

Every Thanksgiving I bring the champagne, because in my family we all know what our strengths are
- Gloria Fallon ‏@GloriaFallon123

Funny Quotes About Thanksgiving
Group 5

I had to buy another pie because I still have whipped cream left...
I don't make the rules.
- WhatserName™ @IamEveryDayPpl

If your in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving now is a good time to start brining the turkey in your tears.
- Rick Aaron ‏@RickAaron

Just got a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail from my gastroenterologist.
- Damien Fahey ‏@DamienFahey

Sorry about last year, when I gave your Thanksgiving dinner a bad Yelp review, but those potatoes were "whipped," not “mashed."
- Just Bill @WilliamAder

The sweet nostalgia of Thanksgiving when we all admire Nana’s prized soup tureen, which she brought with her when she emigrated from Sears.
- Annie Hatfield ‏@HatfieldAnne

I love spending Thanksgiving surrounded by all these great friends I met in the Best Buy parking lot.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 6

I'm thankful for each and every one of you. Now stop hiding in the broom closet reading tweets and get back with your family.
- Ellen DeGeneres ‏@TheEllenShow

The doctor told me I can't drive a forklift on the medication he prescribed. And like that, my Thanksgiving is completely ruined
- Bridger Winegar ‏@bridger_w

Thanksgiving would be better if the pilgrims had shot a lobster and the Indians brought French fries.
- C'est la vie ‏@Robert_Beau

Just because I put too much alcohol in the cranberry sauce doesn't mean you & uncle Gary can use it for Jello shots before dinner.
- @Henry_3k ‏@Henry_3k

Happy Thursday to all my Canadian friends.
- Tony™ ‏@tsm560

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
Group 7

Thanksgiving journal, Day 3: Have come to regard eating pie 3-5 times a day as normal. Wearing a bed sheet as a toga because nothing fits.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
- De Nada Donna ‏@Donna_McCoy

Fun game: Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon "How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?"
- Marlebean ‏@Marlebean

*switches the place cards so I'm sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
- Annie Hatfield ‏@HatfieldAnne

Before Thanksgiving guests arrive, wedge a chair under the hall closet door knob and, when they ask about it, nervously change the subject.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

ShareFacebookTwitterPinterestTumblrRedditWhatsAppMessenger

Not full yet?  Try these:

Thanksgiving Jokes

More Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving Humor

Or go back to "Anniversary Jokes"

Or back to the Home Page: "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"