Top 40 Funny Travel Quotes

Funny travel quotes about trains, planes, automobiles, and the places they take us. Humorous quotations that will make your next journey a real trip.

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Funny Quotations:
Travel, Group 1

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.
- Andy Borowitz

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
- Robert Benchley

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
- Dave Barry

Orville Wright said to his brother, “Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?”
- Red Buttons

If you're going to America, bring your own food.
- Fran Lebowitz

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.
- Andy Borowitz

Funny Travel Quotes
Group 2

Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.
- Dave Barry

You can knock anyone down in Spain and then just pretend there are a bunch of bulls chasing you.
- Guy Endore-Kaiser ‏@GuyEndoreKaiser

Las Vegas is sort of how God would do it if he had money.
- Steve Wynn

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is.
- Fran Lebowitz

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
- Doug Larson

People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal.
- Melanie White

Funny Travel Quotes:
Group 3

You know you're in India when you hear yourself telling your driver as he is backing up, “Careful, there is a cow behind you.”
- Lydia Ramsey

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.
- Bette Midler

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.
- Dave Barry

Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything!
- Steve Martin

Recently I found myself arguing with a British friend of mine over which tastes better: English cooking or dirt.
- Bruce Cameron

Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.
- Dave Barry

Remember: Wherever you go, there you are. Although this is not necessarily true for your luggage.
- Greg Tamblyn

Funny Travel Quotes
Group 4

San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
- Dave Barry

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.
- Will Durst

Los Angeles is where you go when you want to be somebody.
New York is where you go when you are somebody.
Miami is where you go when you want to be somebody else.
- Billy Corben

Nebraska is like Siberia with 7-11’s.
- Unknown Author

Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth.
- Bruce Cameron

August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f*%king in a sock.
- Ichiro Suzuki

Funny Travel Quotes
Group 5

There is nothing quite like a flight to LaGuardia. Except maybe the last chopper out of Saigon.
Dave Barry

I love it when the flight attendant says, “Your seat cushion becomes a flotation device.” Well why doesn’t the plane just become a boat?
- Steve Shaffer

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
- Rich Jeni

At the end of my Southwest Airlines flight, the attendant announced, "Be sure and check around your seat. Don't leave behind any personal problems." But I’d already spilled all my angst.
- Greg Tamblyn

Denver International Airport has a control tower that sways in the wind. The good thing about it is that it looks perfectly still to the pilots who’ve been drinking.
- Melanie White

Any time you fly somewhere, don't pay your credit card bill. If the plane crash lands, those people will never stop looking for you.
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

U.S. Air is losing $2 million a day, making it the official airlines of the U.S. government.
- Melanie White

Funny Travel Quotes
Group 6

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
- Richard Jeni

No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.
- Scott Adams

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
- Fran Lebowitz

The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.
- foodandwhining ‏@foodandwhining

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: “We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards.”
- Dave Barry

A cruise ship is a floating town of lazy people.
- Garrison Keillor

Funny Travel Quotes
Group 7

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
- David Letterman

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Whilst traveling through the Andes Mountains, we lost our corkscrew. Had to live on food and water for several days!
- W.C. Fields

It's easier to find a traveling companion than to get rid of one.
- Art Buchwald

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- Woody Allen

I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my destination.
- Mark Beland

Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell.
- Dr. Who

Funny Travel Sayings
Group 8

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.
- Dave Barry

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Steven Wright

In flying, the probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.
- Neil Armstrong

Never trust anything you read in a travel article.
- Dave Barry

How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to anyone?
- George Roberts

I haven't been everywhere, but it's on my list.
- Susan Sontag

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