Hilarious birthday jokes for those who know that age is mind over matter: If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Short clean jokes and funny quotations to celebrate with humor!

Birthday Jokes:
One-Liners, Group 1

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them: a paternity suit.
- George Burns

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.”
- Sam Levenson

What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Herbert Prochnow

Hilarious Birthday Jokes,
Group 2

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
- Steven Wright

Thanks everyone for all the kind birthday wishes! You're right, 35 isn't that old, and you made me feel –– Hey you kids GET OFF MY LAWN!
- Kelkulus ‏@kelkulus

Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, "What happened?"
- Ann Landers

At what age do you start forgetting how old you are? That's how old I am.
- gonnnzo ‏@gonnnzo

29 again? Talk about recycling.
- Melanie White

When a woman tells you her age, it’s all right to look surprised, but don’t scowl.
- Wilson Mizner

Your birthday is a day to forget about whether you’re the hammer or the nail, and ask yourself, “Do I wanna get hammered, or nailed?”
- Anonymous

Funny Quotations:
Birthdays, Group 3

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.”
- Stephen Wright

It’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel. And I feel…hungry.
- Sam Mellinger, KC Star

The older you get, the better you were.
- Anonymous

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- Dave Barry

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
- Robert Orben

Hilarious Birthday Jokes:
Group 4

Growing old is compulsory. Growing up is optional.
- Bob Monkhouse

For your birthday, I’m giving you a quiet evening at home. Just let me know when I can untie the kids and take off their gags.
- Melanie White

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake. You know, to send the right message to kids.
- Bill Maher

Don’t worry about getting older. Just do what I do. Don’t act your age.
- Melanie White

Funny Quotations
Birthdays, Group 5

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
- George Burns

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin

Pitching an idea for a book aimed at my age bracket called "Everybody Poops, Eventually."
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Getting older means you don't have to shave your legs anymore.
- Nora Ephron

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

For your birthday, I want you to relax, take off your shoes, and I’ll take off....I mean take care of....everything else.

On her birthday, all a woman ever really wants from a man is presence.
- Greg Tamblyn

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