Best Short Retirement Jokes

Mucho laughs a day keep the retirement blues away! Short retirement jokes and senior citizen jokes for all current and would-be retirees.

Links to more retirement humor at bottom of page.
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Which Restaurant?

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen.

The two men were talking and one said, “We've been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”

The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”

The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”

“You must mean roses,” he replied.

“That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the new restaurant we like?”

Senior Citizen Jokes:
Getting Better

A retired lady needed some extra cash, so she got a guitar and took some lessons. Then she learned some of her generation’s  favorite oldies.

Then she got herself hired by a nursing home to sing for patients by their bedsides.

After serenading one bedridden older lady, she got up to leave and said, “I hope you get better soon.”

The patient replied, “I hope you get better too.”

Short Retirement Jokes:
What's In A Name?

Four retired ladies are playing bridge.

One of them looks across at her partner and says, “I know we’ve been playing bridge every week for two years, but I can’t remember your name. Could you please tell me again?”

Her partner looks at her for a long moment and finally replies, “How soon do you need to know?”

Senior Citizen Jokes:
That's Not What I Said!

Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.

The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?”

Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘You got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”

Senior Citizen Jokes:
Ice Cream Parlor

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.

“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.

“No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”

Semi-Retired

Senior Citizen Jokes:
What Really Matters

A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?”

“Sure is.”

“Have I met her?”

“I don't think so.”

“Is she attractive?”

“Won't win any beauty contests.”

“Can she cook?”

“Can't even boil an egg.”

“Is she rich?”

“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”

“She must be great in the sack then?”

“I haven't actually found out.”

“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”

“She can still drive.”

Short Retirement Jokes:
How Do You Feel?

Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”

“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”

Retirement Jokes:
New Equipment

A guy was talking to the guy across the street about his new hearing aid. “It cost five grand but it’s fantastic, state of the art. It’s perfect.”


“Wow, that’s great,” said the other guy. “What kind is it?”


“Eleven thirty.”

Retirement Jokes:
False Alarm

A retired couple were lying in bed. She was dozing on her stomach, he was on his side next to her. Suddenly the wife felt her husband’s hand moving around her body in erotic ways she hadn’t felt for many months. He began at her neck, then moved gently around her shoulders. From there he felt along the sides of her back, then down across her buttocks. He continued along the inner parts of her thighs, but suddenly stopped and then rolled over.

Feeling quite aroused, she asked "Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote.”

Staying Relevant

Getting older can mean doubting our ability to make a difference in the world. We should therefore take heart and be inspired by the remarkable achievements of other retirees who have found ways to take on challenges that point the way forward for the rest of us.

Malcolm Schleckermann is one of those people. In his own words:  
"I often get asked how I spend my time in retirement. Having a background in chemical engineering turned out to be really helpful. One of my favorite activities and and proudest accomplishments is converting pale ale, merlot, and bourbon into urine. I do it every day and it’s really fun."


Malcolm is an inspiration to all who know him.

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More retirement / senior jokes? Go to these links:

Funny Retirement Quotes

Great Senior Citizen Jokes

Clean Funny Senior Citizen Jokes

80th Birthday Jokes

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