Thanksgiving Joke
& Funny Quote Collection

A Thanksgiving joke,
No mater how silly,
Not only tastes great
It's also less filling.

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes, Group 1:

[Turkey jumps off counter, grabs phone]
"Hello Butterball help line? They're gonna shove me in the oven! GET ME OUT OF HERE. Yes I'll hold."
- Mike Vanatta

Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.
- Melanie White

Unless you live alone, do you ever REALLY know where that turkey baster's been?
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It's a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
- Craig Ferguson

Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus.
- Melanie White

Thanksgiving Joke Collection,
Funny Quotations, Group 2

OMG, I gave thanks for everything yesterday, but it was the WRONG DAY.
- Steve Martin

Extended family Thanksgiving gatherings are like sitting around with living, breathing forwarded emails.
- Erica ‏@SCbchbum

The Pilgrims had amazing foresight to invent Thanksgiving and football on the same day.
- Greg Tamblyn

Your Tofurkey Thanksgiving dinner isn't cruelty-free as far as your guests are concerned.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Mom’s Thanksgiving diet tip: Don’t be a turkey and eat like such a pig.
- Anonymous

Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes,
Group 3

I can't understand you, but those plates won't clear themselves.
- David Goodman ‏@DavidAGoodman

My wife asked me how to thaw a turkey? I said I usually just tell your mom a few jokes. If that doesn't work there's always alcohol.
- Shane ‏@shanethevein

I can't wait to not eat the candied yams on Thanksgiving.
- Sara ‏@sara_ashlynn

What do you call a short video from Thanksgiving that keeps repeating? ThanksGIFing.
- Ellen DeGeneres

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller

After Thanksgiving dinner men fall asleep because they’re full of turkey; women fall asleep because they’re exhausted.
- Melanie White

Ever notice how you never get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.
- George Carlin

Thanksgiving Joke Collection,
Funny Quotations, Group 4

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
- Johnny Carson

Stove Top Dressing: satisfying your craving for a big bowl full of wet onions and mush since 1957!
- Mike Vanatta

If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'
- Jack Handey

For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.
- Andy Borowitz

You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, "Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave."
- Dylan Brody

Thanksgiving Joke Collection,
Funny Quotations, Group 5

The upside to deep-frying a turkey is that the Red Cross will bring you donuts and blankets after the fire.
- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

I'm looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.
- Damien Fahey

Thanksgiving is when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England."
- Jay Leno

Every Thanksgiving I’m thankful I decided to wait until New Years to start my diet.
- Melanie White

Too bad those pilgrims didn't gather around some cheeseburgers instead of a turkey.
- lisa goodwin ‏@LisaGoodwin1

Is it just me or does everybody have that one uncle who disappears after dinner and then shows up asking for the plunger
- Darin Loves Bacon ‏@darinlovesbacon

Leftovers are for quitters
- Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

Me: Maybe I'll take more time off and extend my visit.
Brother: The pie is all gone.
Me: Well, it's been fun. Gotta go.
- John Lyon ‏@JohnLyonTweets

Dear America, Thanksgiving was in October, silly!
Love, Canada Xoxo
- snowjob ‏@canadasandra

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More Thanksgiving Jokes

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

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